Lawks-a-lordy it’s been a long time since I had to write an entertainment column for Format Review. Twenty years. That’s a long time in cat years. If this wasn’t a humorous construct to take a swipe at the comings and goings of the ever-more ridiculous entertainment industry, I think it would be safe to say that’d I’d be… er… dead. Meow. Ah well, nine lives and all that, er, jazz…
So, I’m Jazz Cat, named after my main pastime of whiling away the evenings in the jazz clubs of the midlands. I play sax in a feline-based Jazz Metal band called the Devil Horns. (I wanted us to be Death Whiskers but I was overruled by a double bass playing tabby from Leeds.) We’ve never had a paid gig, although we have twice been paid to leave the stage. And that’s me… on with the entertainment news.

Neighbours Takes a Bow

If you’re under a certain age, the passing of the Australian-import soap Neighbours probably has little or no effect on you, but to those of us who were there – really there in the 80s and 90s heyday – it was hard not to get caught up in the significance.
My hopes for the finale, in which a reanimated Helen Daniels would have returned to Ramsay Street as a cuddly old zombie grandma, sadly didn’t come to pass, possibly because the actress who played her died in 1999 or because they couldn’t afford the CGI budget. Or possibly both.
But joking aside, the producers of the finale episode knew it was going to be watched by people who hadn’t wandered down Ramsey Street in years or even decades, and the nods to the golden age of the show came so thick and fast it was hard to keep up. Scott and Charlene! Phil Martin! Doug Willis! A video-tastic cutaway to an old clip of Mrs Mangel! Harold Bishop and (ghost) Madge! It was a glorious finale, and by the time the original Barry Crocker theme tune kicked in at the end, it was all this cat could do to stop a single tear rolling down his whisker. So long, then, Neighbours, and – genuinely – thanks for the memories.

Noel’s House, Partly

On Saturday 6th August 2022, BBC Four took the unusual but very welcome decision to air an episode of Noel’s House Party that was last broadcast on 1st February 1992. At the time of writing the broadcast is yet to occur, but the edition is on YouTube and a quick jog through the timeline revealed a Gotcha for Denis Taylor, Duncan Goodhew collecting foreign currency in Grab-A-Grand, and the cast of ‘Allo ‘Allo in full character and costume, to name just three highlights.
This feline applauds the decision to show an episode from series 1, pre-Blobby, pre-gimmicky bombast (well, mostly), and pre-Noel believing his own hype. I may even watch it with a beer. Oh, and I know it never happened, but what I wouldn’t give to watch Noel fall on his arse running down those big stairs… Another CGI pipe-dream, no doubt.

Rumour, Gossip and Hear’Say with Mildred Capricorn

Hello and welcome to my regular (probably one-off) celebrity gossip column right here in Format Review. I’ve been digging up the very latest rumours and gossip from the showbiz world from my network of spies across the UK and around the world. I definitely didn’t make this up 10 minutes before the deadline after necking a bottle of Jäger in Morrison’s car park.

Rumour and Gossip

• Ronan Keating was spotted in The Stag and Hounds Harvester in Basingstoke, scraping food out of his bowl back into the salad bar. • The Animatronic Jim Davidson project at the University of Nottingham has been cancelled after the real Jim Davidson began court proceedings. The fate of the animatronic John Virgo is not yet known. • Mick Hucknall was spotted drinking water out of a canal with a gold-plated ladle, for reasons as yet unknown. • Vanessa Feltz at Wookey Hole proving, to the distress of nearby children, that there is indeed room to swing a cat. • Gyles Brandreth signing copies of his own books with a viridian coloured Sharpie at Waterstones in Lakeside without the permission of the manager.

Hear’Say

• Kym Marsh: Seen on BBC One’s Morning Live, ever deadening behind the eyes as her daytime TV fate sinks in. • Myleene Klass: Seen rolling her eyes at the price tag on a harp at an independent music store in Bury St Edmunds. • Suzanne Shaw: Seen dragging her own Madame Tussauds waxwork down her street and into her neighbour’s recycling bin. • Noel Sullivan: Seen on Blackpool’s Golden Mile trying to convince tourists that he’s still Britain’s 4th most famous Noel (after Gallagher, Fielding and Edmonds). • Danny Foster: Seen having a really great day at Alton Towers, even though it was raining and The Wicker Man was closed for maintenance.